For the past three or so weeks, its been an emotional roller coaster ride in my personal life. There were days I felt like screaming, and others just hiding in a corner to cry my eyes out. I know I’m not unique in feeling this way. It’s a human thing to go through moments like this, but the past few weeks I felt so alone and fighting a battle in vain.
I was so ready to give up and throw the towel in with the struggles of life and try to start my life new somewhere else. I wanted to run away. I didn’t see it as running away at the time, I admit it, but as a way to start fresh and maybe avoid making the same mistakes like I did before. But thanks to a few wise voices in my life, they stopped me from being so hasty in my plans. Sure I might have been as impatient as the hobbits were with the Ents, but they did have a point to take time to think and talk things out. “Lets not be so hasty…” Tolkien definitely had a good idea in putting those characters into his books as to remind his readers that there are moments in our lives where we need to think like an Ent.
I took a deep breath and thought, “Okay… I guess we’ll keep at it.” It felt so silent around me as if I was talking to myself. How wrong I was.
I took up my usual schedule to teach my sweet little three year olds at church, not realizing that God had something special for me in the new group of people I was going to meet that day. My church has this great set up of “connect groups” where groups of people with common likes and backgrounds meet to discuss what the service was about. I had been in a different connect group before, but I felt led to find a new group to better meet my need for ministry. I walked into the room and saw a few familiar faces who embraced me warmly and began to discuss about the topic of the service that morning.
“Have you ever felt invisible?”
I could feel the insides of me screaming, “YES! Yes! YES!” Being hard of hearing made me especially feel that way in a hearing world, but sometimes as a mother of two just added another layer of that feeling. As I sat there, I found myself surrounded with people who understood and shared the good news of how we don’t need to feel that way anymore. “God sees you!” It was an emotional meeting as little packages of tissue was passed around for those who tearingly shared their moments of invisibility, myself included. As we ended the meeting, a friend caused me to cry again as she shared some encouragement.
I left there thinking, “Okay, God, you knew I needed to hear that.” I could almost feel God smiling and chuckling with a nod of his head. He wasn’t done yet.
I went through that week just pressing through anxiously with one thing after another, and the next Sunday came. I was looking forward to seeing my new friends as I finished my Sunday School class with the kids. I walked into the full room and grabbed a chair to hear the main verse being read…
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcents all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4 -9
I sorely wanted to sit there and start laughing. God is so good at getting my attention. Again, he put it right in my face what I needed to hear. Worrying and being anxious had left me unable to see the blessings around me the week before, and I was also not willing to let go of the control. Some of the problems I had struggled with the week before, I could see God was trying to tell me to let go of. “You got it, God. It’s yours.” His promised peace did come and now I really know that God does see me and wants to just have me chill out. I know he hears me, and I think it’s fair I should give Him a chance at my ear. I can see now He’s been trying to get my attention.