I had recently made a cryptic status on Facebook and some people are asking me about some of my life changing decisions. A lot of it had to do with my past and how it was just hanging over me like a dark cloud and things around me were a constant reminder of those moments. I couldn’t move on.
One of those choices I made was deciding to look for another church. The church I had been at for almost five years had been a place of turmoil lately. About the same time I had started going there, I was a part of the beginning of the deaf ministry, but then things changed where I couldn’t anymore. The details of how that happened are painful to me. I had felt like I was not a part of it anymore because I was a stay at home mom with two kids and wasn’t able to do it. For the most part, yes, I was limited to what I could do, but to be pushed aside so quickly and left out was painful.
There were some decisions made in ministry during the past few years that have rubbed me the wrong way. I had done what I could to bring it to attention but it still remains the same. I have tried to just go to church and pray that there would be some changes, but it still hasn’t. I can’t stand there in church and try to accept something I don’t agree with. It’s like trying to swim against the current. After a while you do get tired of it. I’m exhausted right now. I made my intentions known to the deaf ministry to leave, and they asked to talk to me, but I know that it won’t help. I had already said what I wanted to say a long time ago, and if they didn’t listen to me then, they’re not going to listen to me now. That’s just how I feel with the history that I’ve experienced.
I need a new beginning. My reputation, it seems, at the church is not a good one; at least to me. I’ve had some emotional break downs in the past couple of years during some painful moments in my life with some relationships I had. I know I struggle with depression, but to feel like I’m not be taken seriously because I’m just “I’ve got issues” only hurts. I know I do. I struggle with a very low self-esteem, and I feel like I haven’t really been able to find my place to be able to rebuild it, and after five years of trying in a place like that, I know it’s time to move on.
I know I have found some wonderful friendships through that church and I hope I don’t lose them. I’m going to be starting over from scratch, it seems, and that’s hard for someone who hates being alone. Some have told me that is my own fault since I isolate myself. It’s hard not to when there isn’t any where I can go. Most women I know are working moms or just so busy. They have their lives, and I respect that. I have the fear of being considered “needy”, so I don’t ask. It’s hard enough when I’ve had that kind of relationships on me twice in my life. I hated it and have gotten rid of those toxic relationships, and since then have promised that I wouldn’t be like that. So with that kind of experience, coupled with a low self esteem, I know I just don’t know how to ask or who to ask. That’s not a nice place to be in.
On top of that whole emotional/mental mess, I have to consider plans for the future. My husband is going blind and I have to figure out a way to get my butt back to school. I’m scared of it… BIG time. I’m afraid of failure or the door closing on me and I can’t do it. I’ve already had several opportunities close on me because we couldn’t financially do it. Right now, its do or die. We want to move away from here by the time my husband can’t work anymore, and it’s looking like it will be in a few years, God willing.
Yes, its time for a change, and I hope that God is with me as I take this new direction.
Time to finish my coffee and pray. God knows I need to talk to Him.