Tag Archives: blind

It’s All Bad Timing

Three days after my husband had gotten his eye seeing dog, he decided it wasn’t right for him. It was fortunate he came to realize it at that time than later. The dog’s handler agreed it wasn’t going to work, as my husband had his hands full already in being a father and a husband. Why wasn’t it going to work?

The dog had to come first.

It would mean we would come last.

If my daughter had a school event, such as a concert, my husband and the dog would not be able to come, as it isn’t trained for that kind of environment. If we wanted to go out somewhere, the dog would get first choice in where we would sit. The kids would have to tuck their legs in and not touch the dog at all.

To put it frankly… My husband’s attention would have to go to the dog first and foremost.

My husband didn’t want to do that to us. So, the dog had to go.

It was for the best, and I’m thankful now that he made that choice. He has more freedom to just come with us to events and places, even though he’s still having to depend on my guidance and the cane.

We were sad, at first, I will admit. I had thought the dog would give him more freedom, but after he shared what he had been learning from his training, I saw it would be the opposite. If he wasn’t married or had children and had a very easy going life, then the dog would have been a perfect thing for him. That’s not the case with this man, yet he is considering getting a dog when I’m working full time and the kids are older.

As for the dog… It’s being placed with another individual who can take the dog. I’m happy for that sake.

Down the road, as a family, we are considering adopting any of the dogs that are retired from working as a guide dog in the future. This way its a win win – One, we get an awesomely trained dog, and, two, the dog gets an awesome home! We are hoping that will happen in a couple of years. We need a house first!


A Blind Man Christmas Shopping

My husband and I braved shopping the mall this past Sunday, when everyone, including us, was doing their last minute shopping. I had my son with me, and my husband wanted to try doing some shopping on his own. I had my doubts, but I wanted to give him the chance to try. I led him to the door of Target and told him I would go down through the mall with my son to find some things for my daughter. He nodded and proudly made his way into the store swinging his cane back and forth. I had my cell phone with me, so I knew if needed to, he would call me.

I got my coffee; a must when braving the masses of people with a five year old and a blind husband to think about. My son jibber jabbers nonsense to me – half I could gather with the sounds of the crowd cramming into my hearing aids as well. I tell him he needs to sign since I can’t hear him very well. He tries and gets flustered very easily, so he tries talking to me again, in hopes I can read his lips. We make our way into Claires to find some cute earrings for my lady like daughter, and as I gather up a couple of pair, my phone rings.

It’s my husband.

“Hi! Is everything okay?”

“Um… I’m having a really hard time seeing around in here and finding what I think would be good for the kids.”

“Would it help if I come over and show you?”

“But our son will see them!”

I ponder over this dilemma. We couldn’t take him to a friend’s house as he was just getting over Strep. We were stuck.

In a defeated voice, he offers, “Why don’t we just let our kids pick out something and then we do it that way? Christmas isn’t too far away and they do have some gifts to open.”

Being the traditionalist for Christmas, I hated the idea, but I couldn’t see any way around it. So I bring my son to the store. Luckily my daughter would have to open hers on Christmas day. I knew what she would like, so that made it pretty easy.

My husband had me pick out something, too. I got my early Christmas present, and even though I would have loved unwrapping it on Christmas day, I realize that this is going to be what is expected when dealing with a husband who can’t see.

Although, next time I am not having us shop the Sunday before Christmas. The crowds was definitely not blind-friendly! I was constantly telling him to vear right or left to avoid running into masses of people. At some point, I just grabbed his hand and had him hold on to me. The cane is a wonderful asset, but when you’re dealing with a huge crowd of people, it’s better to depend on another set of eyes to guide you. I felt much better knowing he was behind me and leading him around the procrastinators.




I was driving along listening to my new Daughtry album that I had picked out. I had never heard him, other than on American Idol a few years back. The title grabbed me. “Break the Spell” For some reason I thought it might be a good listen, and I’m glad to say I was right.

The first song grabbed me, and I LOVED it. Renegade just got to me in my core. The words really resonated with some of the things that I had been feeling inside for a long time.

“Don’t you wanna feel like a rebel?
Renegade on the run?
Real live wire in the cross fire ridin’ shotgun

Not talkin’ ’bout a deal with the Devil
I said nothin’ about sellin’ your soul
Call it what you will
If you start to feel out of control…”

I had always felt like I was the odd one out… Born to be a rebel, you might say.

I grew up in a church that was legalistic about their faith. Scared the crap out of me a lot. I have a lot of issues because of growing up in that church. I can remember being in youth group and listening to the pastor rant on about how we are to be leaders for God… IN other words, be pastors and pastor’s wives for Him. I don’t know if everyone got that message, but I sure got that from them. “Oh, you weren’t allowed to be deaf and blind in one eye for nothing! You will save souls when God heals you.” Did He heal me? Um. No. I’m still blind in one eye and deaf, though I am probably more Hard of Hearing than Deaf. My right ear is pretty deaf though, but I can hear enough to be able to wear hearing aids to help me make it in this hearing world. When I went off to college, which was a pretty “rebellious” thing in their mind. God forbid I go 2000 miles away from home to go to a college that is fit for me! “She’ll stray from her faith. She needs to be within our churches.” To find out they had had such little faith in me really made me question them, but I was scared to even say or do anything. I was supposed to be such a good girl.

Then my world got turned upside down in 2000. A drunk driver decided to do just that. It was a miracle that I survived, and I don’t discount that. Going home and standing in front of my church, after just flying home from saying goodbye to a grandmother who wanted to see me before she passed, was weird for me. I was still recovering from the injuries of the accident as it had been just two months since then. “Oh praise God! He can use this to save souls.” Sure… He can, but really, I just got hammered from a stupid guy who decided to get drunk and that’s all you can think about! That was my thinking then. I was so angry and confused about it all. I also felt so isolated and tired of being so singled out like that. They saw the surface but not the inside. I was tired of being seen as this poor girl who has had the bitter end of the barrel. I wanted to scream.

That following year I got a tattoo. Oh. Yes. My first rebellious move.

I went home for a wedding I was in. Someone from my old church saw it and called me out on it. “Oh, so you’ve become a Heathen, eh?” That put the nail in the coffin. I was not going to return to that church again.

But I loved God more than just turning my back on him, though I admit I did have my time when I was angry and didn’t want to do anything with him. When you get to that point, it’s lonelier and hard. With some help of friends, I found my way back.

I fell in love with a Catholic and eventually became engaged to him. Oh, did my old church scream. I got a nasty letter from someone from there and I burned it. It was full of condemnation. I was basically damned to hell. Nice. A christian doing that? I wonder what Jesus would have said to that. I’ll let God deal with that… I had already promised my husband that I wouldn’t judge them. He knew how hurt I was as it was from someone I had admired growing up.

I became a Catholic. My family was upset from that decision. I thought I was doing the right thing as I was tired of the judgmental attitude I was getting from everyone else at the old church I was going to. It took me four long years of practicing it to make me realize that it was just as bad as my old church in how legalistic it was, if not, worse.

I decided to find a different church, and went with a friend to hers. I loved it for how embracing the people were. I needed a community as I had just moved into a new state in the past year with no luck in finding a place to plug into. On top of that I was with a two year old and a brand new infant. My husband was also not practicing Catholicism as well, so that really made me feel alone in a faith I did not grow up into like he did. I was at this new church for just a little over five years until things unraveled in my life. A lot of things had happened in those five years and recently it all just became too overwhelming. I look back and realize that my rebel nature didn’t fit in with that church at all. I didn’t do things the way they did it. I spoke up about certain things that I felt were wrong, and nothing changed. I don’t think I was ever really taken seriously.

“One-hundred miles an hour with the top rolled down
Racin’ the wind breakin’ out this town
Tryin’ to get lost but don’t want to be found, yeah”

I am still the rebel. I am tired of being the weak one. I do struggle with depression, and I know that might be why they don’t take me seriously. With all that I’ve put up with in some people, I do want to escape sometimes. I want to be where I am accepted and not judged. I don’t want to be put in a cookie cutter shape anymore, and I’m hoping as I move on in life I will find more people who will accept this rebel/free spirit person – Tattoos and all. (Yes, it’s more than one now)

As for a church, I have recently found a church that I hope will work for me. They rock… Literally. I know God made me to be this way for a reason, and I want to be the

“REBEL with a CAUSE,

and its HIM.”

And if God wills it… When the kids are older, there might be a motorcycle for me to ride around, let the wind whip in my face, and let me escape for a little while. That will make this Renegade happy.