Tag Archives: friends

Looking into the Mirror

Ever had a moment when you write while feeling angry or agitated and you fortunately don’t publish what you wrote that day? It’s been two days since I began writing this blog entry, but I left it alone since I didn’t feel like I was ready to push “publish” yet. For one, I didn’t want to send something out there I might regret. I knew I needed to let it settle and see if I felt the same way later on. I am glad I did. There are some things I wrote that I still feel the same I did when I started writing, but there were other things I had a change of heart about.

I had a rough day one day. It made me wake up and realize a lot of things about me and the world I live in. There were also some hard “tough love” truth that I have learned about myself.

It was a day when I was dealt with a blow of disappointment of having something not happen in the way I had hoped. I ranted to my husband, “Why? Is there something wrong with me?” in an email to vent out my angry and hurt feelings. I won’t go into the details of what happened, but it was enough to make me wonder why it seemed like I couldn’t really connect with people like I hoped to. My husband tells me, “It would be better that we talk about this when I come home.” For once, I didn’t push it. After 15 years of marriage, I knew my husband knew me well enough to  not email me a response to my question. I am glad he did. When he came home, he calmly shared with me some things some people have shared with him in the past.

“Some of your old friends came and told me that they are sometimes afraid to approach you because of how you appear.”

What?! I was pretty stunned to hear/see him say that. (He signs and speaks to me when we talk.)

He explained a little further, “They have told me that you always look like you’re angry or upset about something, so they don’t approach you. It’s something about the look on your face.”

Apparently, I have a natural resting-scowl-face.  There is another phrase for this, but I won’t go that far to call myself that. My mother did mention that I did have a Mary-Queen-of-Scots look when I was little… Guess it’s still true.

I even posted a picture on Instagram to ask my followers what they thought. I just noticed a funny thing – Out of the 12 people who liked the picture, 4 only responded. One responded, “Yeah, I can see what you mean, but since I know you, I don’t notice it.” So, I guess people liked my picture, and there are some honest friends who tell the truth, even when it’s hard.

Could it be that this face of mine is intimidating people away from me? It is possible. I’ve had countless times when people would talk to me and say, “oh, lets get together!”  Either it be a coffee date, going for a hike, or something like that, and it wouldn’t happen. At first, I thought that was not my fault, but after a few days of letting my emotions rest and to think on it, it might be partially true. If I really wanted to meet up for coffee, I have to not be afraid to ask… again. I’m an introvert, and that’s like asking me to walk the tightrope!  The risk is facing rejection, them saying “No”,  and I admit that my skin isn’t as tough as I wish it would be. I have to learn to be okay with it.

My face may not be the only reason that some people feel intimidated by me. My deafness could be challenge a hearing person would feel overwhelmed with.  I have seen some people approach me nervously when they find out that I am Deaf. I explain to them, “I do wear hearing aids and can lipread.” Sometimes I wish I could just say, “I may be Deaf, but I don’t bite!” I am a very patient person, unless I am dealing with a very prejudiced person.

Back to the conversation with my husband – He went on to say, “You can’t help it. That’s who you are.”

True, my scowling face doesn’t define who I am. It’s just another part of me, just like my lazy partially blind eye and the hearing aids in my ears. I am sure there is a way to soften the way I look and present myself myself better. Sometimes I think to myself, “At my age, I would think I would know how by now!” It just proves you never stop learning. The one thing I refuse to do is to lose the real me in the journey of becoming what God wants for me.

It makes me even more thankful for those who look past this Mary,-Queen-of-Scots face of mine, my quirkiness, me being introverted,  and love me nonetheless.

 

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Finding my Roots

I’m sitting here ignoring my homework for a moment. Graduate homework is hard to get into when your mind is somewhere else, so I felt the need to get it out before it drives me completely nuts. Any other writer or artist would understand. Right?

Homesickness can be such a hurdle to deal with, and I’m dealing with that right now. The problem is, I don’t have one place that I call home. My “home” is spread out all over the place. I lived in Virginia for a long while, I grew up in Arizona, and my mom, my best friend, is in Alaska. She’s home to me, too.

I do have my husband and my two goofy kids, but there’s something to be said for a place where you have dear friends and a history. They give you a place to connect and grow. Here in Colorado, I’m still trying to find that ground to grow in. It’s not easy when you’re also deaf. It took me four years to ground myself in Virginia, and when I did, I found a wonderful and awesome best friend… Only to have to move away to start all over again.

I am hoping to cut that four years to be much shorter here in Colorado!

One thing, I have learned is that it depends on ME. This introverted and quirky woman has to step outside her comfort zone to find the connections and the ground to seep my roots into.

I have several Extroverted friends on Facebook, and I admit, when I see how they have such close friends, I become jealous. “They have it so easy! It looks so easy to find that one person who knows how you think and gets you!”

When those thoughts come into my head, I can hear God telling me, “Hey, you can have that, too. Trust me.”

“But, God, Where?”

I’m reminded that He’s there, and that He did bring a couple of souls into my life. He did bring some friends into my life already. I just have to trust the ground around me to let my roots go deeper.

“It will take time and let it grow.” I am reminded. I am also reminded that I am technically an outsider looking for a place where my quirkiness and uniqueness can fit.

I can only imagine how much time it takes an uprooted tree to assimilate into a new environment that it’s been replanted in. It has to work through new ground, ease around rocks, push through the soil to find water, and eventually become a part of it.

So, if you’re an uprooted tree, I’m with you.


The Spirit of Generosity in Friends

In this day and age, I am sad to say that there isn’t a whole lot of generosity out there. Oh, I’m sure people donate to charities, but there’s always a catch. It’s tax deductible or a shower of praise from the public when you do.

I’ve been touched by the kind of generosity that needs to be seen more of.

This and last Christmas, we came across some very hard times. I had thought since I had been blessed so much last year that it wouldn’t happen again this year. I was willing to accept it and enjoy a very humble and sweet Christmas with my little family, but things didn’t go that way.

Just when I thought things were just going to be extremely small, we’ve found an abundance. Friends came and showered us more than they should have, in my opinion, with blessings. I have a turkey for us to eat on Christmas day! Our tree has a healthy amount of gifts under it for the kids to enjoy and unravel. Even my husband and I were blessed to be able to get the kids a few little things as well. Some of the gifts, we don’t know who they are from. Some are from wonderful friends who have taken us in as family. Some are from a dear friends who surprised us with an amazing amount of generosity in their gifts.

I cried sadly that my family was so far away and Christmas didn’t feel the same without them nearby. It hadn’t been Christmas for me since my mother-in-law passed. She always had a way of making Christmas something special. Cookies, delicous food, and special gifts were her way of bringing the family together. It helped me with my own family being so far away, and now with her gone, I have to learn to make Christmas my own. God is showing me something else.

This circle of caring friends are my family. I can make my Christmas with them. How? I’m still figuring that out. Right now, my means are small. My home is small. My heart, however, is big. I just have to find a way to share it with them and show them how much I appreciate them.

For once, again, Christmas is full of surprises. I do hope that one day, I will be able to pay it forward and give another family the joy of blessings at their doorstep. I would love to be able to show someone else what I learned. Family can be found in friends. Friends can show love and generosity without asking for anything in return. May God bless my blessers three times over.


Church or No Church-That is the Question

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep yet. I’m torn between two choices right now, and I know I need to decide soon what it will be.

What church is right for me?

Do I choose a church that I know has a deaf ministry, or one that has the passion for God that I love and can relate to?
The latter has no deaf ministry or interpreter. I could start something, but a part of me dreads starting all over again, or being disappointed. I have no friends to speak of there, and I had recently left the other church for a lot of ridiculous drama – even though I have some wonderful friends there. I even told them I wasn’t coming back….
It doesn’t help that I am at a crucial point in my life where I need as much support as I can.
My heart pounds at the war in my head.
I’m so tired of it all and have even entertained the idea of forgetting the whole notion of church altogether. But I feel so spiritually vulnerable and weak right now.
Oh, why do I have to be hard of hearing?!
I am hoping that as I write this I can get this torment out of my head…. And go back to praying as I listen to calming music.