After seeing a relative of mine, whom I admire a lot for her spunk, bring up the topic of shyness in status on Facebook, it got my mind thinking about my own shyness. It’s a peculiar kind of shyness; I have no fear of signing songs on stage, but when it comes to being social I feel like I’m sweating inside. There are only a few group of people, outside my family, who I feel entirely comfortable with. I feel like a Hobbit hiding in her home deep under ground.
I must warn you, I am very much a Tolkien fan, and when say I feel I am a Hobbit, it is because of how the small people find themselves desiring quiet, no disruption of their daily lives, being comfortable in their homes and rarely (if not ever) taking an adventure. Yet, I know I’m not such of exactly that kind. I must have a bit of Took in me, as I so sorely desire an adventure. Again, if you’ve read the classic, you would understand what I mean.
I know I’d rather be the brave elf or a Rohan warrior… but I’m not quite brave enough to leave my safe place. But I saw my relative take the brave step out of her hiding place and make a friend on her own.That’s quite a huge step outside teh comfort zone for a shy person. I shake at the thought of doing that myself. I’d rather hide and be invisible. I know… It’s not good to do that.
So, this “hobbit” is going to bear her soul and share why she believes she is the way she is…
I am pretty confident that being hard of hearing has a lot to do with my social fears. It takes a lot more out of me to communicate with those who has hearing, and I fear of being misunderstood or taken as less intelligent if the communication gets lost. When I’m among those who are also deaf or hard of hearing, that fear is stripped away as I know they understand me more clearly, and visa versa.
Deafness is easy to hide. I look like a normal person with ears that can’t hear, right? I wish I could say the same for myself. I lost my sight in my right eye and developed a lazy eye in the process. I’ve met other people who have the same problem and have realized its not easy to hide. It’s usually the first thing you notice. I wonder sometimes if I make anyone uncomfortable with my odd gaze. Is it hard to look at me, I often wonder? Instead of asking people, I hide. I admit, I am afraid of what they might say.
Instead of dealing with my low self-esteem, it’s easier to hide… For a time.
God didn’t make me to be able to survive being alone for a long period of time. I am thankful for my husband who makes me forget all my flaws, though the moment I’m faced with dealing with them, I am reminded. If you know the story of “The Hobbit”, you would remember Gandalf practically pushed Bilbo out to face his fears and embrace the Tookish-ness of himself. I don’t think there are wizards traveling around looking for someone to go on an adventure with him in this world, so I am going to have to pray and ask God to give me strength to fight these fears. I’m going to have to make Him my Gandalf, the one who pushes me into building myself up again. I know I can’t do it alone… Believe me, I’ve tried!
It is past midnight and this gal needs to get some rest. I’ll be praying, and I know I’m not alone in this… So I’ll pray for anyone else who fights this as well.